I went on vacation and said I was going to take a break and kinda enjoy eating whatever I wanted. When I think back, I really didnt go overboard. Just a cheese steak and pretzel. And maybe cake. And chocolate. Ok whatever.
I came back +2.7 lbs. In about 3 days, I dropped 2.5 of those. Then, as of today, I dropped another 1.7 lbs. I havent been logging my food as well as I should have but I find it makes me think more about eating and that makes me hungrier. When I listen to my body and have my food prepared, I eat better.
I’ve gotten back to the gym and walking too after a short break. Feels good, of course. So all in all, I’m still on track. Yay me!
I’ve learned to never say never. I’m happy with the one I have, and I love other people’s children. Adoption is a viable option too. Coming from me? Not so sure that’s gonna happen, but I haven’t ruled it out 100%
I married an emotionally abusive pathological liar whose issues began to destroy who I was as a person. A (failed?) suicide attempt told me I needed to do things differently going forward. That’s the short answer lol
Over a month ago, I scheduled an appointment with a new primary care physician. Having moved and not truly caring for my last doctor, I opted to start fresh. I’ve also been concerned about my weight loss struggle in ways that I wasn’t in previous years, so I knew consulting a doctor would be the best thing. I wanted to get a full physical, blood work, testing, etc to make sure all is well with me.
Well, all *is* well with me. A little too well. And this is discouraging. Why? It’s hard to lose weight when everything is OK. At least that’s what previous doctors have told me and now this one reiterated.
Here’s how it broke down:
My resting heart rate is very low, which both the nurse and doctor said indicates that I am “fit”. What does “fit” mean anyway? I’m fat… so um, what? No. Clearly, fat people can be “fit”. The nurse said, “I can tell from your heart rate and blood pressure, you’re relatively fit and healthy.”
My weight: 347. (Note: I’d just eaten, showered, dressed, etc. At home it said 345.0 before all of that). Nurse says, after her eyes popped out of her head, “Can you step off an step back on? I’m not sure this is correct”. Of course, this was after she started off putting the slider thingy on 200, then 250, then 300… and had to move the smaller slider thingy. Oh. She looks at me after the second weigh-in and says, “There’s no way you weight 347lbs, Michelle.”
Well, um, ok, but the scale just said that. Nurse says, “I’m going to measure your body fat %age”. OK. Cool, I’m down. She grabs some clampy thing and starts pinching at different parts of my body. She says she is looking to average the measurements. Problem is, the measurements are so vastly different, she doesnt think the outcome will be accurate. At this time, she manages to feel my muscles and comments, “Damn girl! You’re diesel!!” (she’s a young latina nurse. sexy too. I flexed a bit.) So, she then says, “I’ll pass this information on to Dr. _______ and be sure to talk to her about your past and current weight loss efforts.” Cool, I have no problem.
So after giving me a tetanus shot and drawing blood for HIV (negative, praise Oops! Jesus!), I’m called in to see the doctor. Off the bat, I love her. She has a warm, welcoming disposition. My fears of being labeled a fat ass and treated like I aint shit immediately disappear. We’re conversing and I’m telling her my family history. We get to talking about the efforts I’ve made over the last 8-10 years, what kinds of losses I’ve had, and how I seem to get stuck around the same place. After all of this she says:
"Michelle, I’m not sure you’re going to be able to lose a significant amount of more weight alone"
Screeeeech, stop the presses. What? What does that mean?? I had another doctor tell me something similar, but I shrugged it off because I knew, then, I hadn’t really given it a good enough try.
"Judging by your vitals, judging your build, feeling your muscles, and thinking about how long you’ve carried this weight… I’m concerned your body is used to this and this" she gives me a wave-over "is what your body feels is normal"
Ummm, did this woman I thought was nice 30 minutes ago just tell me that 350lbs is “normal”? Nope. I don’t buy it. I won’t accept it. I asked, frustratingly, “How can this be so? This is NOT normal”
She says, “No, it is not normal, but you have no indicators of any health problems. I’m sure all of your blood work will come back perfectly fine. You are more muscular than you think. You should know muscle weighs more than fat. Your shape is probably genetic and your weight distribution is actually more conducive to being healthier, but way harder to lose…” She is going on and on and I’ve heard and thought all of these things before. This is not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that maybe I have some crazy metabolic disorder or thyroid problems. I wanted to hear that something else was WRONG with me, something that could be fixed so I could kick this weight loss into gear.
Then comes to bomb… of course she had to drop one:
"Michelle, have you considered weight loss surgery?"
This makes doctor number 4 who has suggested it over the last 10 years. “Yes, I’ve considered it, but I’ve opted against it because I want to do this myself. I’m determined to do this myself. It means a lot to me to be able to lose the weight on my own.”
"I understand. Here’s what I want you to do though…" and she proceeds to give me information about a friend of hers at another hospital who performs the gastric bypass surgery. She says she is giving me a referral and wants me to at least meet with the doctor, a nutritionist, and the psychologist. She says that I have the right mind and practice (healthy eating, exercise) to make a good candidate. I’m listening to all of this like "Is this bitch serious? Which part of I’m not having surgery did she miss?"
And then I have all of this information in my hand… and I leave… and I’m walking to work… and I’m thinking.. and it is hitting me… that maybe I can’t do this alone. What if what she, and other doctors have said is right? What if I’ve been this size or bigger for so long… I’ve been active and relatively “fit” and healthy for so long… I’ve maintained a lifestyle where my body is comfortable…. that I can’t do this alone?
Then I think about all the people who go on to make major weight loss efforts and what their lives were like before doing so. My life isnt like that. I’ve never been just a lazy fat ass. I’ve never been the one binging at fast food joints, eating two whoppers, or a whole bag of chips late at night. I’ve never been the one eating 5 slices of cake. I’ve never been the one struggling to get up a flight of stairs. I’ve been the one who moves, who swims, who dances, who walks, who takes stairs 2x2, who breathes normally after a 3 mile walk, who lifts weights, etc. What if living that kind of lifestyle has hindered my current efforts? What if doing all of the things I normally do somehow take me out of the “realm of fat” that most find themselves in when they undertake weight loss journeys?
I don’t know man… I just don’t know.
I *do* know that I dont want to be 300+ lbs forever. I know that I’ve been silently giving myself to the end of this year to see serious results. I know it’s hard but I’ve been sticking with it. I know that I view GBS as failure, and maybe I shouldnt.
If I’m doing and would have done all that *I* can do… shouldnt I give myself another option?
Epic failure because I really needed to do some leg work. So now I have to double up tomorrow with swimming that I couldn’t do because of the trip I took, upper AND lower body strength training. Gonna be a long ass work out, but I gotta do it so that this week isn’t a set back.
I think I remember you saying you used to have locks. Do you think you'll lock again? Why'd you cut them off?
I had two sets. The first set I cut off because I needed new energy—- and they were heavy as fuck!! Ugh. To my waist too. The second set I combed out. I doubt I’ll have locks again, but I never say never.
This week was “off” for a number of reasons. I’m back on track but there were a couple of days that were definitely not what’s hot in these weight loss streets.
I had a road trip that required I be up at 3:30 am. That threw my whole sleeping pattern off for, like, the whole week. Sleeping is so important to weight loss. Then, my eating that day was way off. And getting back late = no gym. I only went to the gym Sunday and Monday of this week. Wasn’t drinking nearly enough water. However, I have been walking. So while I saw the scale jump Tuesday and Wednesday and remain the same Thursday, it came back down a bit today, due to compensating for those “off” days.
If I have a net loss this week, I’ll be shocked, but the key is that I didn’t disregard the whole week like some folks do. Like I’ve done before. I took the L for those couple of struggling days and got back on it. This weekend I will make up for the lost gym time and I’ll be right back on the track I’ve been on.
You say you're bi-sexual, so does that only apply to sex? Or would you consider a lesbian relationship?
I love men and women equally. I would gladly be in a relationship with a woman as I would with a man. However, I am totally AG with women and subbie with men lol. I flip like that. The difficulty is that lesbians generally don’t fuck with bi-women like me. I hate that. AND, people aren’t all that “out”, so finding a woman to pursue is difficult. But the MAJOR problem? Most chics are bi and with men or make men the priority, so they dont look for serious relationships with women. I was like that in my younger, in-denial days, so I get it. I just don’t fuck with it any more. I like my femmes out and proud, unmarried/attached, and real :)